Planning for Kiss of Life started as soon as I introduced Zane in The Midnight Dance. I spent months while I was completing The Midnight Dance, writing The Christmas Wishes and researching Kiss of Life, slowly building this by adding songs that I heard that made me think of Zane or helped me understand who Sebastian might be and what their relationship might be like. As a result, it’s a mix of songs from groups that were familiar to me, things I heard on the radio and songs I found for the characters to listen to within the book. This playlist was pretty much complete before I even wrote the first chapter and its tone influenced the book and, eventually, the cover too!

I hope this blog can give you insight into the inspiration behind Zane, Sebastian and some of the scenes in the book.

I have uploaded the playlist on Spotify, but here’s the track list and what each song meant to me when I was writing. Please be aware that there are spoilers!

Kiss of Life track list

Dead Inside – Young Hunger
Alcatraz – Oliver Riot
Van Horn – Saint Motel
Sing to me – MISSIO
I’m not a Saint – Billy Raffoul
Hello my Old Heart – The Oh Hellos
Halo – Ane Brun
O My Heart – Mother Mother
Sober Up – AJR (feat. Rivers Cuomo)
Sirens – Tom Odell
Bad Habits – Ed Sheeran
Clean Eyes (Acoustic) – Syml
Hold me While You Wait – Lewis Capaldi
A Sadness Runs Through Him – The Hoosiers
Hungover in the City of Dust – Autoheart
Piece of Your Heart (feat. Goodboys) – Meduza
Danger to Myself – The Unlikely Candidates
Teeth – 5 Seconds of Summer
Lent – Autoheart
Caterpillar – Mountains of the Moon
Stalker’s Tango – Autoheart
Heartbreaker – Autoheart
Sorry – Ben Woodward
Soldier – Ingrid Michaelson
Make This go on Forever – Snow Patrol
Factories – Autoheart
Pretty Like the Sun – Prime Circle

Kiss of Life song breakdown

Dead Inside – Young Hunger

The instant I heard this song, Zane crystallised in my mind. I knew a bit about his backstory already, and I knew that he was a preschool teacher (because of the seven little dwarves), but I didn’t have much else until I heard this track. I even sent the single cover to AB Dove and said “I’ve found Zane”. The very first scene of the book was actually directly inspired by this cover.

“I’m all talk with a thorn in my side
I’ve got a real big heart that I’m willing to hide
You asked me what I want from life
I said “To make a lot of money and feel dead inside”

I ended up writing a specific scene inspired by those lines — when Zane is talking to Belle in his classroom and Belle asks if he’s happy. Thanks, Young Hunger.

Alcatraz – Oliver Riot

Most of the “Zane songs” are very upbeat, even though they’re often about sad topics. They represent his personality and they way he uses flirtation and humour to convince even himself that he’s happy.

Originally, I envisioned Sebastian as nerdy but a bit of a jock who could keep up with Zane’s wild side and outwit him, who was classically hot but single because of his demanding career. That Sebastian… didn’t appear. Instead, the guy that developed on page was Zane’s complete opposite. There were many reasons for this but I think that part of what made Sebastian who he is was the longing for home that I infused him with from the get go. This was my first “Sebastian song”. A complete contrast to Zane’s songs, the way that Sebastian is a contrast to Zane.

In it, I heard the longing for home and for real connection in a city where everyone’s anonymous and his disillusionment with his career.

“Moving out west, things got lonely
Trying my best, nobody showed me
Which way to go

Just a man’s make up, fake love, make ’em all laugh
Come on, someone, take off your mask
It’s nice to meet”

Van Horn – Saint Motel

This song was my introduction to Saint Motel, which became my touchpoint for Zane. If I ever needed to get into his head, I’d listen to them (and later Autoheart too). This song is what I had in mind when I wrote the initial push and pull between him and Sebastian.

“Well tell me do you hate me or do you want to date me?”

Sing to me – MISSIO

“You don’t have a stalker and you’re perfectly happy,” I tell myself and I urge myself to believe it.

A large part of Zane’s character arc is him acknowledging that he’s not happy and that he actually does need (and want) other people in his life. That’s what this song represent to me.

“It’s like all day
My vanity is for sale
Take it away
My head is in my own hell
Sing to me I am not doing well”

And the conclusion that he comes to at the end.

“Somebody told me that’s two sides to this life
I think I might have chosen darkness over light”

Him choosing to attend Sebastian and Nicholas’s pizza night is really his first step down this path of discovery, which is why I chose to put the song here in the playlist.

I’m not a Saint – Billy Raffoul

“I’m really good at being good at goodbyes
I’m gonna give you fair warning that I
Will be the reason for the tears in your eyes
I’m not a saint, but I could be if I tried”

This song represents the core conflict within Zane. As much as he raves about how great hookups are and how he loves his freedom and refuses to be ashamed of himself, the very first time we meet him he’s trying to scrub the night off his skin and brushing his teeth twice. He’s still ashamed of this life he’s chosen and he projects that shame onto Belle and Sebastian, with terms like”feral” and “manwhore” (meanwhile both actually accept and love him as he is).

His rules about not forming connections and not sleeping with the same person twice are as much because he doesn’t trust himself with caring for another person as they are about protecting himself from hurt. Which is why what Hunter says to him about how he’s using Sebastian gets right under his skin. He already believes so many bad things about himself, it’s not a large leap.

I really hope that this came across in the book. I never wanted it to be a critique of hookup culture, but rather that hookups weren’t enough for Zane anymore and weren’t giving him what he really needed or wanted.

Hello my Old Heart – The Oh Hellos

I draw an unsteady breath. This night did not go anything like how I thought it would. I’m still all trembly inside and out. I contemplate trying to fix the hair situation.
What just happened?
Why does it feel like I’ve been flayed open, like I just exposed my soul?

When Zane finally sleeps with Sebastian he has an “oops, surprise feelings!” moment. But, as he reflects later, he’s been numb for so long that he doesn’t even recognise what the feelings are.

“Hello, my old heart
It’s been so long
Since I’ve given you away
And every day, I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safe”

Halo – Ane Brun

Sebastian is also surprised by their night together. He wanted wild abandon and comfort, but Zane blew him away with how caring he was, from feeding him and holding him the night before to staying over and making him breakfast. As he admits to himself when Nicholas warns him to be careful with his heart, it’s too late for that.

“Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I’ve got my angel now
It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out”

O My Heart – Mother Mother

Mother Mother was one of my go-to groups when writing The Spindle’s Curse, so it was nice that I could incorporate them onto this playlist too (It made me feel like maybe the books might have a similar vibe even if they’re so different from each other).

This song is similar to Hello, my old Heart but kind of a progression. The feelings back, now what do I do with it?

“Oh my heart, it’s a fish out of water
Oh my heart, it’s a fish on the rocks and it bakes in the bad sun
Oh my heart, it’s a rock in the gutter
Oh my heart, it’s a rocking great bolder and stuck in the gutter

And I throw my heart back to the ocean
But it don’t go far it come back floating
And I watch it wash up with the dead fish
But it ain’t quite dead it just is lifeless”

For me, it reflected the feel of fear and uncertainty that made Zane push Sebastian away after the conversation about the tattoo.

Sober Up – AJR (feat. Rivers Cuomo)

Most of the lyrics to this one aren’t relevant, but I really liked these lines for Zane when he realizes he really does want Sebastian in his life, more than once:

“Won’t you help me sober up
Growing up it made me numb
And I want to feel something again
I just want to feel something again”

Sirens – Tom Odell

I keep playing it over in my head trying to identify the exact point that the mood changed. What did I say? What did I do that dumped a bucket of ice over the hottest afternoon of my life?

Another one where the lyrics are less relevant than the actual mood. This song reflects Sebastian’s fear that Zane can (and probably will) exit his life at any moment (“run away”).

Bad Habits – Ed Sheeran

This song was playing on the radio all the time while I was writing Kiss of Life, but it sounded very Zane to me because it’s another one of those songs where the tune and beat are all “I’m so happy and horny, let’s party” but the lyrics are talking about something serious — in this case a life caught in a destructive spiral.

In my head it became the song that’s playing when Zane goes on the hunt after pushing Sebastian away.

“My bad habits lead to late nights ending alone
Conversations with a stranger I barely know
Swearing this will be the last but it probably won’t
I’ve got nothing left to lose”

Clean Eyes (Acoustic) – Syml

I see myself in that house I drew with the kids. Me, alone. That’s how it’s always going to be. It’s never bothered me before. It’s never bothered me that I have no one to call to talk about my feelings, no one to go hang out with when I feel shaken and untethered. Sebastian has broken me.

“I’m a cynic, I told you, I fear what I don’t believe
I don’t know what this is, but this is a different beast
I check the lock on the door three times
Can’t put my faith in what I can’t describe
I’m a cynic, I told you, I don’t believe”

Back at home, Zane’s having some realisations about himself and what he really needs and wants and this serious and truthful song reflects that and the confessions that he’s going to make about his past later that night.

“Picture yourself in a room full of broken glass
Blood on the pieces, the pieces you can’t put back
A little white light in a sea gone black
My head is a room and the room’s full of broken glass
You can’t change me, can you save me?”

Hold me While You Wait – Lewis Capaldi

When Sebastian drove Charles and Elam back from the airport, there’s a point when they’re listening to the radio and I saw that as an opportunity to make them listen to real songs that could comment on what was happening in the story. So I did what any normal person would do and I went and found out what was likely playing on the radio on the specific day, in the specific place where they were listening. (Okay, I’m aware this isn’t normal). Out of the hits that would have been playing in the car, this was the first one I picked, which reflects Sebastian’s feelings.

The song’s here on the playlist though because it reflects the things that Sebastian is feeling at this point in the story.

“I wish that I was good enough
If only I could wake you up
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won’t you stay a while?
Tell me more, tell me something I don’t know
Could we come close to havin’ it all?
If you’re gonna waste my time
Let’s waste it right
And hold me while you wait”

A Sadness Runs Through Him – The Hoosiers

This song is about an alcoholic, but I listened to it over and over again when thinking about Zane’s backstory and how Sebastian would feel hearing about it. I love the raw emotion of it – it’s sad but also angry.

Hungover in the City of Dust – Autoheart

The first Autoheart song on the list! And it won’t be the last… for a while. They all sort of clumped together on this end of the list. I listened to both “Punch” and “Lent” (albums) over and over when writing Kiss of Life, and in some cases it was hard to decide exactly where to put the songs that spoke to me most about certain parts of the story.

I interpret the whole album as being about a relationship that’s falling apart, but I feel like the mood of this song matches the reunion with Charles.

“Insolent and out of character
We’ve changed so much
I barely recognize our formative lives
Hidden deep, deep, deep underground

And they won’t come back
They won’t come back no more

We’re hungover in the city of dust
So let our minds run round in circles
While we figure it all out”

Piece of Your Heart (feat. Goodboys) – Meduza

This is the second song that was playing on the radio in the car on the drive from the airport.

“Show me a piece of you, show me a part of you
I’ll be what you want
And if it’s physical, keep it subliminal
Show me what you want
Show me a piece of your heart, a piece of your love I‘m calling you up to getting down, down, down
The way that we touch is never enough
I’m turning you up to getting down, down, down”

And it’s the kind of music that’s playing when they all go clubbing. It’s the first of four songs for their night clubbing. Which is really too many clubbing songs. But I did listen to all of them while writing those pretty difficult scenes, so they’re on the list nonetheless.

Danger to Myself – The Unlikely Candidates

This song is Sebastian throwing himself into having a good time, even though Zane couldn’t say the “b” word.

“And after all this
This love I borrowed
I’m waiting on the day you don’t want me tomorrow”

Teeth – 5 Seconds of Summer

More clubbing music with relevant lyrics.

“Some days, you’re the best thing in my life
Sometimes when I look at you, I see my wife
Then you turn into somebody I don’t know
And you push me away, push me away, yeah”

Lent – Autoheart

Zane’s emotional freakout. This was one of the very first songs I added to the playlist and it was initially what informed Zane and Sebastian’s relationship and how Zane didn’t want to take advantage of Sebastian:

“Should I stay
Should I go
Should I run far away
To the point that I cant even see the universe
I know I’m killing time
And baby that’s not fine”

And how Sebastian was worried about getting involved with Zane:

“Never smoke anything
Never eat anything
That will compromise my health
And, baby that means you, too
That means you”

But then it also came to represent Zane’s doubts about his lifestyle and what he’s getting out of endless hookups.

“Give it up
Give it up
For lent
Take a break
Pack it in
Take it out to the bin
Isn’t it counterfeit?
Take a hit
A little bit
Wasn’t it not worth it”

And then it became about Hunter.

“What’s it gonna take
To make it crystal clear to you
We are through
I’m angrily surprised at you
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
Be like this”

And then about Zane’s fear of losing his freedom in general, even to Sebastian.

“I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna act like this
You know I wanna be free
I want to be free
I want to be free”

Which is why I ended up putting it here in the playlist, but in actual fact this was a song I listened to whenever I was struggling to get into the zone to write this story that got me back on track. Pretty sad, given the subject matter!

Caterpillar – Mountains of the Moon

This was another early edition to the playlist. I knew from the start that this was the sound of Sebastian’s heart breaking.

“And I wish it could be different
I wish there was no dampness here”

I want to spend every night just like this and it hurts so bad.

I wish that I’d followed Nicholas’s advice, got Zane out of my system and moved on. I wish I’d taken my own advice and kept things platonic. I wish I hadn’t reached out to him that night after losing Moira, that he hadn’t been amazing and kind and sweet and generous. I wish I’d never shared my sexual fantasies with him and that he hadn’t made them come true so spectacularly, because I gave a part of myself to him that I’d never given to anyone else and I don’t know how I can get it back now. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this without shattering so badly I can’t put myself together again. But one thing’s clear. I can’t go on like this. The way I feel? It’s not fair to either of us.

Stalker’s Tango – Autoheart

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. It’s Hunter’s song. It’s also where I got the idea for Zane and Charles to do their twin thing to defeat him:

“But don’t you see my dear
I am your doppelgänger
I have your face
Love me-love me-love me
More than you possibly can
It’s not that complicated
No matter what they say
You’ll never meet another me”

So it kind of also became about how Charles and Zane realise that they’ve still got a special bond of understanding between them and mend their relationship.

Heartbreaker – Autoheart

This one’s also pretty obvious. It’s Zane going to break up with Sebastian because he thinks that’s what’s best. I didn’t end up including a scene of the break up from Sebastian’s point of view because we saw how he felt the night before and then we hear about how broken up he was about it from Nicholas. So it was unnecessary and the book was already really long. But if you want to know what Sebastian was thinking and feeling it’s all here in this song.

“When you go, I am black and blue
When you go, I am inconsolable
Heartbreaker
You are all that I see in my immediate future
Feels like you have punched me in the chest
Sadistically
I am clearly not cut out for love
When you go, I’m a broken toy
When you go, I’m a piano with no soul”

It did also inspire a line from Zane’s point of view:

But when I see the future? I see Sebastian tangled in my bedsheets, I feel his warm weight against me. I see that drawing of the empty house.

Sorry – Ben Woodward

Skip forward a few weeks and Belle has his little talk with Zane and Zane finally figures out the depth of Sebastian’s feelings for him.

“So I’m sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry that I can’t believe that anybody ever really
Starts to fall in love with me
Sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry I could be so blind
Didn’t mean to leave you
And all of the things that we had behind

I run away when things are good
And never really understood
The way you laid your eyes on me
In ways that no one ever could
And so it seems I broke your heart
My ignorance has struck again
I failed to see it from the start
And tore you open ’til the end”

Soldier – Ingrid Michaelson

Zane is spurred to action to fix things and to face the scariest thing of all: a committed relationship.

“I don’t believe in anything but myself
But then you opened up a door, you opened up a door
Now I start to believe in something else”

I liked how this song felt like an anthem, like Zane was finally facing his demons. Even if it means getting on a plane to South Africa.

“And so it goes, this soldier knows
The battle with the heart isn’t easily won”

Make This go on Forever – Snow Patrol

“All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right”

This song was also an early addition once I’d worked out the ending. I pictured Zane sitting on the plane, staring out the window and realising he was going to marry Sebastian, that that was the prefect solution, and being surprised that the thought didn’t scare him one bit.

“First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love
[…]
Please just save me from this darkness”

Factories – Autoheart

I pair this song with Zane’s apology because it’s so upbeat and talking about making changes.

“You picked me up and took me home
You scrubbed away the bloodstain on the carpet
I am petrified of changing
You can’t tell a loser how to win a battle
You are my delightful intruder”

t also has great imagery of medical help, the kiss of life and even a bride and groom.

Pretty Like the Sun – Prime Circle

It just made sense to have the happily ever after song be from a South African band as Zane and Sebastian get married in South Africa. This was another song that got added to the playlist right near the beginning and I was writing towards a point where I could use it. Sebastian was always going to be the sunlight and the warmth that Zane had been missing.

“Give me everything you’ve got
Give me your life, I’ll give you my heart
Well our lives can change, our lives can change
We could have it all, open your eyes, I’ll give you my soul
Our lives could change, our lives could change

All pretty like the scars, we both have ours, it’s who we are
Oh, show me everything, where you’re going, where you been
All time it’s not too late, I’m standing here, the world can wait
And as the night falls low, away we go

I know it, I know it, it’s something
Something free from the way I am now
I know it, I know it, it’s one thing
You’re the one thing now”

And that’s the playlist! I hope you enjoyed this insight into a large part of my inspiration for Kiss of Life. The book took nearly a year to write and I’ve listened to these songs more times than I can count in that time. I know they’ll always remind me of this special little book.

Kiss of Life – Playlist