The Midnight Dance — Behind the Scenes: Chapters 20 - 22
Chapter 20
In this chapter, Charles finds Elam in his apartment and they make love again (finally).
Due to his history, Elam’s first thought is that Charles is going to be angry with him. Charles caught him in a moment of being truly himself as an invader in the condo and he’s still under the impression that Charles was on a date with someone. I love juxtaposing fear and comfort and this was a great opportunity to do it. In fact, it was one of the very first scenes I thought of for their story and I was so glad that I got to put it in almost exactly how I first imagined it.
While there is no magic in this universe, I like finding moments like this where reality is a bit like magic. They’re both under each others’ spell as they undress — a spell that they started weaving the last time they saw each other and ended up watching Swan Lake on the couch. Elam desperately wanted to kiss Charles then, but he was determined not to make the first move, to wait until Charles knew what he wanted. When Charles walks in to find Elam dancing, he knows what he wants. There isn’t a single moment of doubt. It’s like a storm has been brewing and finally breaks.
The dildo
I was in two minds about this dildo. On the one hand, I wanted this sex scene to be their perfect fairytale moment without any awkwardness, but when the idea occurred to me I also loved it because it felt real. It felt like something that lonely, sexually repressed Charles might order for himself in a moment of daring and then regret. It’s also, practically, how Charles would know he was a top without having had much experience. Poor Charles. I can imagine just how mortified he was by this moment, but I also love giving insight into the fact that he does have a bit of an adventurous side that he hides really well. Hides as well as that purple dildo in the drawer.
When Charles says the dildo was a mistake, Elam’s first thought is, again, that he’s at fault. He automatically expects to be punished. It broke my heart to write these little moments when he feels unwanted, but they were also opportunities for Charles to reassure him. They force Charles out of his head, to say how he feels.
While he’s being reassured, Elam also has to check about the date thing and gets to feel the relief of knowing that not only was Charles out with Missy, but that his idea to help Hedgemoney worked. Elam loves helping and this makes him really happy and brings back his confidence.
Improvements
I wanted to contrast this scene with the first time they slept together. Then, Elam was also wet but cold and scared. This time, Charles is also more careful with little gestures like wrapping Elam in that towel, putting a pillow under his hips and asking about the level of pain. As a result, this attempt is much more successful than their last one. This is also the main reason I wanted to have this chapter from Elam’s point of view, so we can see that he’s not in as much pain or discomfort as he was the first time. Now he trusts Charles and is able to be himself with him.
This time, Charles asks Elam to stay. He’s also thinking of the first time they were together. He doesn’t want to wake up alone again. This line is intentionally ambiguous. Of course he means right now. But he also means in general. He wants Elam to stay in his life.
Chapter 21
This is one of my favourite chapters. The rain is coming down outside, but they’re in a little bubble of hurt/comfort.
First, Charles comforts Elam by disinfecting the scratch and ordering food. We see him worrying about how thin Elam is and we see him worrying about hurting him.
Then, Charles actually opens up about his past.
“Actually, both twins are gay.”
This is where the ongoing twin references become significant. I actually didn’t want to make Zane a twin at first, but an older brother, because it felt more likely that Charles would have watched what happened to him at a young age and then been terrified of his own developing sexuality, and I wasn’t sure how realistic it was for both twins to happen to be gay.
But, by the time I wrote this scene, I knew it had to be a twin because of the way it reflected the other dualities. In the end I was glad I made them twins because it added to the tension and to Charles’s own sense of guilt about standing by and watching what happened instead of being honest about his own sexuality (plus it turned out very useful for Kiss of Life!).
Fun fact: Zane’s name came before Charles’s because I knew he’d be my Snow White character and Zane (apparently) means “white as snow”.
Another fun fact: In the Disney movie, it’s Cinderella who ends up with Prince Charming. But, in this reality of course it’s Zane who marries Doctor Charming. Which begs the question, what kind of couple would Charles and Sebastian make?
Chapter 22
The main thing I wanted to achieve in these few chapters was a sense of contrast between the world outside, which is cold in the literal sense, but also the figurative sense, and their little bubble of warmth inside.
As part of the coziness, there’s not just food but too much food. Food is how they both nourish each other in a very literal way. Because I’m extra like that, I used a VPN to browse restaurants in Charles’s area to select the food. I know absolutely no one would know or care whether or not he could actually order all the food he mentions, but I still wanted it to be right!
““Oh, this is lovely,” Elam says, paying far more attention to the blanket than I ever have. It’s woven in shades of blue and green. I can’t even remember where I got it.”
This was actually one of the very last lines I wrote in the book! In Chapter 50 there’s a moment when Charles is looking around the apartment seeing signs of Elam and it struck me that I wanted Elam to have slowly introduced colour to Charles’s gray existence, so I went back and intentionally wrote in the moments these pops of colour happened. I also liked having a blanket in this scene to add to the warm coziness.
The hardest part of writing this scene was trying to prevent them from talking too much, which made Charles feel far too certain far too soon. There was still a whole book to get through! This scene was a delicate balance between hinting at what they could have together and also making sure that there was enough uncertainty for there still to be progress. In the end I had Charles accepting that this was something he wanted, but also feeling uncertain that he was enough for Elam. What Charles really wants is something real and permanent, but he’s conscious that Elam is only 18 and also feels unworthy of him.
On the flip side, Elam’s also uncertain that he’s enough for Charles. He thinks the only reason Charles would want him to stay over is because of sex. I listened to Young and Beautiful by Glass Animals while writing this scene.